“All we have to do to create the future is to change the nature of our conversations, to go from blame to ownership, from bargaining to commitment, and from problem-solving to possibility.” – Peter Block, Community: The Structure of Belonging.
We all have our inner critic—that voice that accompanies us throughout our day and interprets what we experience. This voice can be positive or negative, depending on our circumstances and how we navigate them. Unfortunately, we are more often drawn toward negative self-talk and thinking as we continuously face our fears and insecurities.
Everyday stressors can lead us to create a pessimistic narrative about our lives. When the obstacles we face are overwhelming and seem impossible to overcome, it becomes easy to feel shame, self-doubt, and negativity.
On the other hand, our inner critic can be a powerful ally if we engage in positive self-talk. We can choose to own our emotions and act towards increasing self-worth. Then, we empower ourselves to take control of our lives.
Becoming a friend to your Inner Critic
If you want to change the nature of your conversations with yourself, there are a few things you can try:
1) First, pay attention to how you speak to yourself.
The voice in your mind combines your conscious and unconscious thoughts and beliefs, either positive or negative.
2) Become aware of when you are kind to yourself.
Reaffirm possibilities like, ‘I can accomplish this’ or ‘I am capable.’ This will help you focus on being more intentional with positive thinking, and with practice and time, productive thinking like this will become second nature.
Recognize when you’re engaging in negative self-talk, like ‘I can’t do this’ or other thoughts accompanying feelings of doubt. Acknowledging when we’re actively engaging in harsh self-talk is a powerful step forward in reframing how we speak to ourselves and remaining present for future situations.
3) Think in Third-Person
Instead of thinking in the first person, replace the “I” in your inner monologue with your first name. According to an article in Psychology Today, this allows you to detach from the power of your thoughts. The space from those emotions decreases the possibility of overthinking and ruminating on negative beliefs.
Negative self-talk is, well, negative. We are our biggest critics of how we perform at work, how we treat our families and friends, and how we treat ourselves. It’s called the negativity bias, and we are naturally more susceptible to negative information and can more easily become addicted to it. So, while many of these thoughts and beliefs are untrue, reframing our mindsets into thinking positively about ourselves and others is much harder once we engage in negativity.
Creating a positive future is different from defining one. If we want to change how we engage with ourselves, we must shift our thinking and speak by focusing on possibilities, commitment, and ownership, not blame, bargaining, and problem-solving. Nurture your gifts, introduce loving self-talk, and change the nature of your conversations to usher in a newfound internal freedom.
“The hardest thing for any of us is to live by the rules we ourselves create. It’s difficult enough to live by the rules that others create. It is brutal and fierce to live by the ones we create ourselves.” – Peter Block, The Empowered Manager: Positive Political Skills at Work.
Society means having laws, social norms, agreements, and rules. There is a structure to our way of life and how we function in social and professional settings. Indeed, all aspects of our lives involve rules that classify what’s right and wrong and tell us to behave accordingly. These rules, created by others and even ourselves, can be hard to live by.
In the book The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz discusses the ‘dream of the planet,’ or society’s dream, which includes all the rules, beliefs, cultures, etc., passed down from generation to generation. From the beginning, humans have learned from those around us, including our family, teachers, and friends. We agreed because that’s all we knew. Through our bonds, we began to believe these adult beliefs as our own.
As time passes, we continue to develop and realize that we may believe very different things from those in our early life. We form our own identity as adults and move on to new opportunities. These experiences expose us to others who open our minds and help evolve our thinking. We see our narrative begin to shift, to change.
“We need to distinguish between the stories that give meaning to our lives and help us find our voice and those that limit our possibility,” says Peter Block in Community: The Structure of Belonging. “But our version of all of them, the meaning and the memory that we narrate to all who will listen, is our creation—made up. Fiction. And this is good news, for it means that a new story can be concocted any time we choose.”
It is brutal to live by the narratives we create for ourselves. It is even more so when we live a life agreeing with beliefs that are not ours. Block explains that to create a new story, we must first come to terms with the current one. Name it, be fierce in confronting your creation, and then choose to rewrite it. It is the key to personal freedom. It opens the door to a new story being written… one in which you control your happiness. In this story, you view yourself with love and treat others with kindness. You show up as the best version of whatever story that YOU choose to tell.
Article by Rebecca Crowell
Rebecca Crowell is a Designed Learning intern and graduate of Social Sciences at the University of Central Florida. She is currently pursuing her graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Stetson University in Deland, FL.
In a world that prioritizes a strong work ethic, success, and drive, it can feel challenging to say no. The dominant cultural narrative has been instilled in us from an early age. It celebrates competition and individualism, where upward mobility and economic success are the primary means of living a happy life.
It rarely is. Various areas of our lives require attention and care to feel truly content. These areas include relationships, physical health, finances, spirituality, leisure, work or school, and knowledge. If we are too hyper-fixated on one area of our well-being, there will be far less energy to attend to others. Being intentional in understanding which aspect of our life needs some extra care helps us discover what we need. When we are aware of our needs and have taken care of them, it’s easier to say yes. Then, we can take advantage of new opportunities with a genuine spirit.
Say no, it’s good for your well-being.
It’s frightening to say no. We may ‘people please’ and say yes even when we don’t want to. This often results in us becoming a pair of hands and finding ourselves stretched thin and stressed. We put personal needs on the back burner as we put others first. We do so because we fear we can’t sayno and want to be well-liked and perceived as considerate. The thing is, our energy isn’t fully in it if we fail to set healthy boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries is the key to a greater sense of confidence and internal freedom. If you can become more self-aware, it will be easier to communicate your thoughts, wants, and needs to others. If you feel burnt out from your work life and want to take time away from the office, set that boundary by discussing it with your supervisor. You may also need to say no to a friend’s invitation to an upcoming party because you know you need to prioritize self-care. Setting reasonable and healthy boundaries allows for less stress in the core areas of our lives.
Say no, it’s good for collaboration.
There are many ways one can say no assertively while remaining polite. According to Psychology Today, a helpful strategy for saying no is called the “sandwich method.” Let’s say you were invited to drinks after work with some co-workers, but you know you would feel better if you went home and caught up on sleep. You can kindly decline the invite by starting out and ending on a positive note. Thank them for including you, follow it with a no, and reschedule for next week. In this scenario, you assertively said no and still left feeling content about the relationships involved.
When partnering with others at work, consider contracting about what and how you work with each other. By reaching an agreement first, you and your coworker limit the risk of intentionally or unintentionally violating each other’s boundaries for a collaborative work relationship. “The business of the contracting phase,” says Peter Block in Flawless Consulting, “is to negotiate wants, cope with mixed motivation, surface concerns about exposure and loss of control, clarify the contract for all parties, and give affirmation.”
Say no, it’s good for the future.
It is possible to say no to provide a more meaningful yes in the future. Ultimately, we know ourselves better than anyone. By understanding when it’s necessary to say no, we are in direct recognition that “every one of our acts is a choice and that choice is free,” explains Block in Confronting Our Freedom: Leading a Culture of Chosen Accountability and Belonging, “then whenever we act consciously and deliberately, we also experience the core of our action the sense of free will. Mature and authentic individuals are fully conscious of the fact that they must choose.”
Article by Rebecca Crowell
Rebecca Crowell is a Designed Learning intern and graduate of Social Sciences at the University of Central Florida. She is currently pursuing her graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Stetson University in Deland, FL.
Flawless Consulting® in Florida This September and October, take advantage of a special opportunity to join us in person for Flawless Consulting® Public Workshops in sunny Cape Canaveral, Florida. Have a blast on the Space Coast and experience learnings that will help you elevate your influence and launch partnerships that last. Part 1 – Sep. 10-11 / Part 2- Oct. 8-9 Sign up here.
Designed Learning at ATD24 Last month, the Designed Learning team attended ATD24 in New Orleans, bringing a refreshing return to authenticity amidst a sea of high-tech solutions. Through meaningful conversations, we shared our vision of humanizing the workplace and advocating for environments where relationships and compassion take center stage. The positive feedback we received reaffirmed the power of authenticity and connection. Read more reflections on our blog.
ATD’s Handbook for Consultants Whether you’re considering branching out on your own, struggling to keep your newly launched business afloat, or looking to take your consulting practice to the next level, this resource is for you. ATD’s Handbook for Consultants, edited by consulting powerhouse Elaine Biech, features two chapters by DL leadership, Peter Block and Beverly Crowell. Get your copy today.
In the works… Choosing Accountability workshop We’ve been hard at work designing a new learning experience to help you shift mindsets, confront freedom, and inspire chosen accountability. Stay tuned for more.
Last month, the Designed Learning team headed to New Orleans for ATD24. Our experience was a refreshing return to authenticity and genuine connection, even on an expo floor dominated by high-tech solutions and flashy displays. The Association for Talent Development’s annual international expo, held at the vibrant heart of the Big Easy, proved to be the ideal stage for us to showcase what truly matters—compassion, conversation, and humanity.
A Glimpse into ATD24
This year, the theme of ATD24 was “Recharge Your Soul,” and we did just that. For over 80 years, ATD24 has been a beacon for learning and development professionals. From its humble beginnings in Chicago in 1945, with just 56 attendees, in 2024, there were over 10,000 professionals from more than 80 countries. It was my first time experiencing this large-scale conference, and the energy was as overwhelming as it was inspirational. It was such a joy to be among those who came to discover the latest trends in the industry, unlock new tools and solutions, and network with peers committed to creating a better world through talent development.
Our Booth – Simplicity Meets Authenticity
Positioned right by the lunch area, which was an unexpected blessing, our booth stood out not because of any high-tech gadgets or elaborate displays but because of its simplicity and warmth. Visitors were greeted by four inviting little red cubes, perfect for small group conversations. If they wanted, they could pick up simple giveaways like stain-removing pens, mirrors, books, pens, and bookmarks—simple tools that reflect our commitment to practicality and thoughtfulness.
One visitor summed it up perfectly when she approached us simply because she liked our smiles. This interaction embodied our philosophy that true connection comes from authenticity and compassion—two of the key ingredients that it takes to “be flawless™,” as we always say in Flawless Consulting®.
Being A Model
Our presence at ATD24 wasn’t just about showcasing our solutions; it was about modeling the role that we want to play in the industry. We believe in humanizing the workplace and building communities that work for the common good of all. Our low-tech booth was a physical manifestation of these values. By stripping away the unnecessary frills, we aimed to create a space where real, meaningful conversations could take place.
We envision a world where workplaces prioritize what it means to be human, fostering environments where everyone feels valued and heard. This approach not only enhances productivity and innovation but also contributes to the overall well-being and influence of employees.
The Impact of Authentic Engagement
Throughout the conference, we engaged with numerous professionals who shared our vision. We discussed the importance of leadership, consulting, and workplaces that prioritize relationships. Our simple booth became a hub for exchanging ideas, sharing experiences with Peter Block’s books, and envisioning a future where work is more than just a means to an end—it’s a place where we can find meaning.
The feedback we received was overwhelmingly positive. Many attendees appreciated our approach, noting that it was a breath of fresh air, even if they had never heard of Peter Block or Flawless Consulting. Our presence at ATD24 reaffirmed that to be flawless (authentic, compassionate, and a model) resonates deeply among those who want to be part of workplaces that put people, and relationships first.
Souls Recharged
We left New Orleans with hearts full of hope and minds brimming with new ideas. ATD24 reinforced our commitment to inspiring transformation in the workplace, one conversation at a time. We invite you to join us on this journey. Let’s work together to create workplaces that allow us to reclaim our collective well-being and prioritize the relational side of work, fostering environments where everyone can thrive.
If you share our vision and want to learn more, reach out or check out our solutions.
I was very fortunate to witness the solar eclipse in totality this week. Before this amazing celestial event, I read extensively about what would happen. I listened to presentations from scientists, naturalists, and other eclipse aficionados. I felt as if I was prepared and understood what would happen. I looked up at the sky, protective glasses in place, with my adult son and 35,000 of my closest fans at the ballpark. To say that I wasn’t prepared is an understatement. I was moved emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Being there was everything. The sense of awe, community, and pure wonder was astonishing. It felt like the world stopped for those three minutes, and it was glorious. I felt the coolness on my skin; my eyes saw nighttime in the middle of the day, and I basked in the silent awe of those around me being present.
I relate this to the work we do at Designed Learning. In our Flawless Consulting experiences, being present with a client, partner, colleague, or friend is essential to being effective. With our Leader as Convener experiences, we convene with others to be fully present in larger groups. We utilize small group conversations to connect and be present with each other. These experiences were created from Peter Block’s books. The content of his writings continues to inspire me and help me to be more authentic, alive, and curious. However, if I just read the books, I am missing out. Being present in a room (Zoom or in-person) with other caring and curious people is everything. We learn from listening to others interpret, apply, and question the material and each other.
Our world is so full of distractions that keep us from fully being present. We rush through meals, rely on texting, and look for “what’s next?” It’s hard to slow down and appreciate the moment and appreciate the people we are with. A fundamental premise of Peter’s work is “The relationship is everything.” Knowing and experiencing it are two different things. The quality of our relationships is highly dependent on our ability to be present and in the moment. Let’s hit the pause button more often. Postpone our desires to take immediate action. Better yet, let’s appreciate that pausing, listening, and thinking are all actions. Let’s focus on what’s now, not what’s next. Be present. It will change your life and the lives of those around you.
What do we say about saying no in Flawless Consulting?
In a recent conversation, a client said, “My company values relationships. I worry saying no might hurt the relationships I am trying to build.” Hearing that, I asked, “So, what kind of relationships does your company value? Only those where you agree?” A relationship is a way two or more people are connected. It is also the way they behave toward each other. From our client’s perspective, “saying no” is no way to behave. Peter Block, author of Flawless Consulting: A Guide to Getting Your Expertise Used, says this about the problem of saying no.
Internal consultants especially feel they are taking tremendous risks if they tell line managers that they would be better off terminating a project. Despite the risk, it is in your and the client’s best interests to refuse projects that do not have a reasonable chance for success. When you are stuck in contracting with a client, it is because both of you feel that if you don’t get your way, the project will not succeed. If you go ahead with a project you don’t believe in, you run the risk of failure. The reason to terminate projects is not because of consultant petulance, or pickiness, or the desire to engage only in exotic and professionally stimulating work. The reason to say no is to avoid failure. You will also avoid the waste of your resources and your future credibility with other opportunities.
Give more value to your yes.
Another reason to stay open to the possibility of saying no to a client is that you are trying to manage the relationship with the client in a way that you would wish the client to manage relationships with people in their organization. Saying no says that we have limits, that we have a right to declare boundaries and decide on our own what we commit to. If we cannot say no, then yes loses its meaning, and commitment also is taken off the table. We become programmed to say yes. After a while do not know when the yes is sincerely felt or simply born of institutionalized habit.
If you can’t usually say no to a client, there are still some choices for you. For example, you can minimize your investment of time and hope to keep your potential losses down. The easiest way to do this is to postpone the project. Say, “I am willing to go ahead with the project as you have requested, but I suggest that we begin it in eight months.” By this time, this manager may have moved on to another job, or you might have moved on to better things.
If you can’t postpone the project, minimize the scope of the job and the time it will require. Narrow the objectives of the project. Do what you can to reduce the visibility of the project and reduce the drain on your time and energy. The key is to be honest with yourself about the limitations of the project.
So, be realistic about unattractive projects.
Be clear with your boss and others that the project is beginning on shaky ground, that you would rather not proceed, but that you feel you have no choice because you can’t afford to say no to this client. Or, the corporate program is in your hands. Then, do the project in a low-key way.
The critical point to consider is whether it is really in your best interest to go ahead with a project. It may be better to live without the project and not having “converted” that client than to begin a project that might fail. If you pull back from one client, perhaps that client will be angry with you and feel rejected. But you lost only one client. If you proceed with a project that you think might fail and, in fact, it doesn’t go well, you are in bigger trouble. The client is going to tell five other managers how disappointing the project was and how it failed. Now you are in the hole with six managers instead of only one. It is just not good for business to take on low-chance-of-success projects.
Saying no in relationships can be a good thing as long as it is done with respect, honesty, and compassion. It can help you and your clients grow as individuals. Ultimately, it may lead to a stronger partnership where each is trusted, valued, and appreciated. It can also be better for you.
What kind of relationship do you want with your clients?
In a recent Mind Matters article from the Mettinger Clinic, they say the following, “Saying no can create more mental health stability by helping with self-care and build your self-esteem and confidence by setting boundaries. Saying no may be daunting, but there are ways to do it.” One of those ways includes setting healthy boundaries, which we call “wants and offers” in Flawless Consulting. Ultimately, we teach others how to treat us based on what we are willing to accept or not. Never say no, and your clients will always expect yes.
So, what kind of relationship do you want with your clients?
Want more information on how to build the consulting skill of saying no? Check out our Flawless Consulting® workshop based on the international best-selling book.
This article, Leader as Convener by Peter Block, is part of our Witness the Common Good series.
We know that leadership matters. Traditionally, we have defined the function as visionary, role model, designer, inspiration, and voice of where we are headed. We ask our leaders to be coach, listener, and a gardener who grows people.
We also, as an expression of their importance, “hold” them responsible when things go wrong. They have a cash drawer where the buck stops.
And we think that activism and social change are achieved by a heroic leader.
Now is a moment for us to reconsider this construction. The option is to ask the leader to create connection among the led. Citizens. Employees. Siloed organizations and functions. As many have said, move from hero to host. What is new is our decision to make this the top priority of leaders. As to the leader as role model, yes. But that is true of each of us. As well as to coach and nurture those who matter to us.
Leaders, by their position, hold something unique, in addition to their personal qualities: the power to change the context of where accountability and care for the whole reside. To use their position to engage citizens and members in relational activism. For whatever the purpose, decide that social capital and peer engagement is the first priority in high performance, and building a civic world that longs to be safe, educated, economically viable, and healthy.
Convening
When we become connected, we become accountable to each other. We know the ways to do this. Every facilitator and organization development person, every community builder, has this capacity. If we seek accountability and belonging, these relational methodologies are what work. Especially in this hybrid, virtual, volatile time we live in. The problem is that these methods are in the hands of helpers, not most leaders.
Our invitation is to shift the content of what we teach leaders. This involves how we gather, how we occupy a room, both live and virtual, and how we learn. These ways of being and doing are how we best produce accountability in citizens and employees.
Leader as role model, visionary, people developer, and one who holds others accountable is a habit that will be hard to let go of. That notion creates comfort in that it encourages dependency, entitlement, and constant looking at the corner office. Leader presence and behavior as the center of our attention is popular because it lets citizens and employees off the hook.
The demand for a redefinition of the leadership function is reinforced by the current crisis in social isolation. The challenges and opportunities of working virtually and remotely have been with us for a long time. We are constantly told that we are polarized, siloed, likeminded, and attracted to tribes. All this was intensified by the pandemic and invited us to reconsider how leadership might attend more powerfully to the need for a stronger community and chosen accountability. The future will not be a return to something. It will be the reimagination of something.
The major challenge for leaders will be to develop the skills and mindset to convene and engage people in new ways. Ways that overcome isolation, deepen connections, and prepare people to live into the uncertain realities of all workplaces and communities. And to do it quickly.
This shift in how we think about leadership is served by making a distinction between management and leadership. Managers create order in the workplace. They know how to plan, organize, delegate, and control work and people. The value proposition of managing is speed, predictability, and convenience in a disordered world.
Leadership needs management, but it is much more than that. It holds a larger possibility than creating order and clarity. That possibility is the capacity and power to invite us into an alternative future.
The Leadership Task
The leader’s task is not to promise or define the alternative future. This is too often a marketing campaign. Managing the news. An alternative future does not occur by offering certainty. It begins by increasing authentic connection. Relational activism. Especially with the stranger. This means creating new habits of how we convene people. The purpose is to engage them in co-creating a response to a shifting market, technology, and supply world. To engage them in a response to volatile and fragmented elements of places we care about. Good leadership has to become more sophisticated in engaging people with each other. The value proposition for this kind of leadership is accelerated trust building, accountability to peers, and adaptability in a complex and fluid setting. These are the benefits in the shift from hero to host and convener.
We already know a lot about the protocols of convening and engagement. The problem is that they exist primarily in the hands of facilitators, team builders, community organizers, and human resource and organization development people. What is new here is not the actual tools of convening. They have been around for quite a while.
Unfortunately, we have used those tools mostly for out-of-the-ordinary intentions. When we want peers to truly engage, or to set aside times for thoughtfulness and relationship building, we call on retreats, team building, focus groups, recovery groups, spiritual practices, block parties, summits, and special events. As if building trust and accountability and change were needed only on occasion.
Leaders and citizens have had to purchase these skills rather than embody them. We need to learn how to transfer this convening-and-engagement thinking and its tools into the minds, hearts, and hands of leaders and people who run things. And make these common good protocols a habit. This is how we create impact engagement, a more powerful and authentic alternative to surveys, questions and answers, or requests for feedback.
Principles of Leader As Convener
There are several principles of leading for this relational activism or high-impact engagement.
Questions are more powerful than answers
The small group is the unit of transformation
Purpose is to go deeper rather than faster. Slow and small is more powerful than speed and scale.
Conversations between peers are more vital than the interactions between leaders and followers.
Horizontal connection among peers or citizens produces accountability and commitment to the well-being of the whole. The common good.
Highlighting people’s gifts and capacities is what is important. Let their deficiencies rest in peace.
This kind of engagement accelerates building trust and social capital when treated as a first priority. The research is convincing that this produces better outcomes, whether looking at organization results, safety in a neighborhood, healthier citizens, raising a child, or social and economic equity.
We are calling these convening tools Common Good Protocols. This set of tools includes learning the power and specific framing of questions of possibility, dissent, crossroads, ownership, commitment, contracting, and gifts. We need to teach and learn how leaders can use these questions in a variety of settings. This work is both simple and hard. There also must be ongoing support to make the shift.
In addition to the questions, the Common Good Protocols include a range of convening designs built around Open Space, World Café, Appreciative Inquiry, and Art of Convening gatherings. The challenge to leading through convening is that it relocates and diffuses control, violates employee and citizen-dependent expectations, and asks us to surrender our belief in top-down and bottom-up theories of change and improvement. It also asks us to stop complaining. To give up waiting for people on top to change or people at the middle and bottom to “get on board.”
The Invitation
The invitation is to shift leadership to convener wherever we are together. Any situation where three or more people are gathering. Staff meetings, cross-functional teams, special focus and town hall gatherings, strategy sessions, and education events. Each time people gather––on the phone, a digital platform, or in a room together––is an opportunity to accelerate trust, and to produce peer accountability.
If we care about institutional and community outcomes and transformation in a volatile world, these Common Good Protocols become everyday practices. Every part of every day. It is not about devaluing typical problem-solving, predetermined agendas, and the devices for predictability. It is simply putting management where it belongs, as a useful but second priority. First in line are specific protocols designed to bring us together to connect for the larger purposes of our existence.
Are you interested in shifting to this kind of leadership? If so, we invite you to join our program, Leader as Convener. To recieve more columns, pamphlets, and invitations curated by Peter Block, subscribe today to Witness the Common Good.
The Flawless Consulting: Fieldbook & Companion, 2nd Edition coming Feb 28
In this update to the original book, published more than 20 years ago, there is 40% new content and chapter updates by the initial contributor. A must-have collection of resources for consultants everywhere, it will quickly become your most used reference for everyday consulting engagements. Order your copy here
Inspiring Inclusion: Women in Consulting
Join us on March 8, International Women’s Day, to learn from and celebrate some of the great women of Flawless Consulting®.
Together, we will explore topics like maintaining well-being, fostering belonging, navigating contracting, and more.
For the first time ever, Flawless Consulting@ Workshops will be in-person in Milan, Italy. Hosted at the Castello Visconteo, you will have the unique opportunity to attend our workshop immersed in the beauty of this historic venue, to connect with fellow eager learners, and to explore new possibilities.
Flawless Consulting® 1 : 23-24 May Flawless Consulting® 2 : 27-28 May
Common Good Protocols suggest a shift from the traditional “command-and-control” leadership model to a convener model to foster a deep, relational engagement and produce stronger communal outcomes. These protocols emphasize the power of well-framed questions, small groups, and peer conversations to build trust, accountability, and a sense of shared purpose.
“Witness the Common Good: Transformation within Reach” by Peter Block
What if change started with the relationship? In this column, Peter Block asks us to shift where we put our attention. We have all that we need to create a future that works for the common good of all.
What if we worked with clients in ways that could better leverage our expertise, foster trust sooner, galvanize stronger commitment, and make consulting more rewarding? I find these outcomes more likely occur when I weave a safety net in asking clients for what I want and voice them during contracting conversations:
I want you to, at any time, talk with me about how we are working together. This simple yet powerful statement opens the choice for clients to speak authentically about what is important to them and what challenges they face—affirming that my relationship with the client is fundamental to solving the problem. I’m now on the hook for asking clients about their doubts and concerns, naming their resistance, ensuring they feel seen and heard, and expressing what they are doing that is useful to me.
I want you to talk to me first, before talking to my boss. Waste of time and erosion of trust occur when we go around instead of directly to sources. With a client’s agreement to #1 above, it makes sense that I be the one talked to first. I always explain that if they go to my boss about something I should hear, my boss will ask, “Have you talked to JP about this?” because my boss and I have made this same agreement.
I want you to make the decision when others on this project come to a standstill/impasse. In every project I’ve been a part of, people have gotten stuck. When that happens, this agreement reminds clients that the decision to get unstuck is theirs to make.
I want you to agree that I will conduct my own discovery to gain a clear picture of what’s going on. My unique value to the client is my ability to see clearly how the problem is being managed. Without my independent perspective of the underlying dimensions of the problem, I’m left solving only the technical/business aspect of the problem—the presenting problem. The resolution of the real problem requires a change in thinking and action on the part of the client. By looking at the problem in a way that the client can’t, I’m able to identify the impact that goals, processes, and relationships have on the problem—how they keep the presenting problem from being solved. Without this agreement, clients have every right to assume I’ll skip the Discovery and Feedback Phases and move directly into Implementation.
I want you to consider what role you need to play to bring about desired changes and how you may be contributing to the problem. This underscores why solving the presenting problem is not enough and invites our shared exploration. By encouraging early ownership and commitment, this minimizes surprises during feedback and points to what clients have the most control over. Rather than solving problems for clients, I set myself up to help clients solve problems themselves.
What I want from clients above stems from my consulting experiences and lessons learned. (Even today, what is challenging in a relationship can be attributed to what I have not asked for.) Although each relationship and project is unique, I voice this set during every contracting conversation to mitigate what I don’t want. These are in the interest of making sure the project is successful—not to satisfy my own personal whims and wishes. What would it sound like to state clearly and simply what you want from a client?
As humans, our reactions are strongly influenced by the environment we inhabit, and the same holds true for our clients. Without a safety net, we risk doing to the client as an expert or doing for the client as a pair of hands. What’s possible when, as Flawless Consultants, our decisions are grounded in the security of our safety net? By fostering an environment of relatedness and connection, we offer insurance for working with our clients, allowing our expertise to shine. What does your safety net of wants look like?
