Month: April 2020

In Defense of Being “Helpful”

Posted on by Maya Mehta

I want to write in defense of being helpful. And I want to distinguish it from rescue.

There have been times in working Flawless Consulting Workshops that I have heard being “helpful” disparaged a bit with a phrase like, “We don’t want to be helpful. We want to be useful.” Since we are in a “helping profession,” this has always rankled me just a bit.

The distinction I make is between helping and rescuing. Rescuing is part of what Stephen Karpman described as the “drama triangle” in the 1960s. It looks like this:

The emotional price for all involved in the triangle is anxiety, which is rarely helpful in any context. Since organizational development emerged to deal with the unintended consequences of industrialization, we as practitioners can get caught up in it.

If I view the client or “system” for which I am consulting as a persecutor, I run the risk of viewing some in the system as victims and want to rescue them. Sadly, this is a role I have taken on in the past when working internally for large systems. When I did, I was prone to lapse into cynical commentary like, “What’s the difference between [our company] and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.” That was neither endearing nor helpful. But I thought it was clever!

On an individual coaching basis, if I stay in the rescuer mode, I may not challenge the person with whom I’m working to deal with what they can choose to change. There is always something someone can do to improve their own circumstances. Reinforcing a feeling of powerlessness is not helpful.

Seeing situations as involving persecutors and victims reflects a mindset that leads to conversations that lack any sense of possibility. One way we can be helpful is to invite those with whom we work to see possibilities they either can’t or have chosen not to see on their own. It’s part of the “clear picture” we strive for in consulting flawlessly.

I have worked for—and with—bosses who are doing things that are ineffective, unproductive, and even damaging. I have yet to work for one that is intentionally doing that. This is where compassion comes into play. When I operate from the perspective that this person is doing the best job he knows how in this situation, I create a mindset for myself that lets me see more possibility to help the client self-discover more possibility for himself.

Early in my career, I worked with a colleague in Western Electric (then the manufacturing subsidiary of AT&T) who used the phrase, “God is in a helping relationship.” That stuck with me, and probably explains why I am troubled with phrases that disparage helping. The God I know wants us to learn and grow, and will not rescue us from our choices but rather help us learn from them. That’s the power behind the feedback statement model in Flawless Consulting that goes, “Chris, when you do ‘X,’ it has the following impact on your organization—and the result is ‘Y.’”’ To my frame of reference, that simple, direct statement is being helpful.

Later, in another part of AT&T, I encountered Robert Greenleaf’s work on servant leadership. The “servant” part of that phrase is sometimes misconstrued as connoting weakness or subservience. Greenleaf’s behavioral test of a servant leader is far more rigorous, “Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?” This, in my view, could also be the test of a flawless consultant.

To do this, we must stay out of the “drama triangle.” How can we help vs. rescue? I think we can do this by presenting valid data and leaving the client free to decide, being open to the giftedness and possibility in each client and, as we teach in Flawless Consulting, letting go of our personal investment in the outcome.

Jeff has been affiliated with Designed Learning for more than 20 years.

Having held leadership positions in marketing, sales, organizational development, and HR, Jeff brings years of large-system experience in internal consulting to his work with Designed Learning. Jeff believes that when the human spirit thrives, organizations thrive as well.

When You Can’t Go Out, Go In

Posted on by Maya Mehta

Perhaps the earth has truly gone into “reset” mode due to the lockdown caused by the Coronavirus. Perhaps it is time for us to push the “pause” button and rethink how we have been living our professional and personal lives. Perhaps the “reset” mode and “pause” button are now compelling us to rethink the meaning and purpose of our relationships, both at home and at work.

While this lockdown is certainly a challenge, and most of the world has put strong restrictions on movement, there has been another not-so-tangible side to this lockdown. The slowdown on our physical movement is compelling us to look within ourselves. The long hours indoors and restrictions on going out has necessitated us going in. Going in and questioning ourselves; going in and becoming more aware of how we have been thinking; going in and asking ourselves, “Did this way of being get me where I wanted to be?”

The whole world is talking about the fact that at the end of this lockdown we shall wake up to a new world. What will this world look like? What will it ask of us? And what will we need to do to fit into this new order? Our home confinement is making us question the things we were running after, the quality of our relationships, and what we truly want from our lives.

The time has come for us to slow down and realign our lives so that we can flow smoothly in the future. We need to reconnect with our loved ones, friends, and professional associates as individuals with different human nuances—not just targets to be achieved or duties to be performed. We need to spend time getting to know each person and acknowledging the anxiety and vulnerability each one faces, including ourselves. We have to connect with ourselves so that we can connect with others.

How was our life as consultants before the virus compelled us to pause? What were we to pause for? What were we supposed to see? So many questions, so much confusion, and so much uncertainty. These questions and so many more get answered on their own when one understands and lives the philosophy of Flawless Consulting. It is the mantra for success in human relationships—a way of life applicable in both personal and professional life.

As consultants, we were constantly rushing to meet deadlines, grabbing the next order, pushing our way ahead, striving hard to impress the client with heavy content and verbose presentations, pushing our beliefs, trying to control people and decisions, and believing that others should do as we recommend because we know the best. Relationships were professional and impersonal and lasted only as long as they served the business purpose. Then suddenly, the “pause” button was pushed. Without realizing it, we are finding ourselves in a mode of self-questioning and self-enquiry. And we are asking ourselves: Were those deadlines realistic? Am I really the right person for that job? Do I really have all the answers? Does the client believe I have understood him/her? Can I push my solutions on to the client? Does the client really trust me?

With the last question, we take our awareness a notch further—a step deeper within ourselves: What do I need to do to make the client know he can trust me, feel I understand the real issue, and believe I will not let him down?

When we become aware of our own thoughts and feelings, and know with what kind of mindset we are entering a discussion—whether we want to be in control, just executing, or be a partner in a project—we become more secure within and know what we need to ask from the client to enable us to give our best to the task at hand. Awareness also makes us recognize resistance in a client so we don’t take it personally, and makes us acknowledge our own resistance, too.

The new world is going to be a slower paced world—a world with greater self-awareness, where relationships will have more depth and life will be more meaningful. Are we ready to align ourselves with this new world? It is quite amazing that Flawless Consulting has been sharing the value of this mindset for over four decades and its philosophy is even more relevant now than ever before.


We need to recognize that patterns are changing and we need to change, too. Not changing with the flow will only create resistance and make it painful for us. This sudden change of pace is making us rethink how we need to reset ourselves and our ways of thinking and operating. We need to build deeper connections with our associates, our families, and most importantly, ourselves.

“I think that when the dust settles, we will realize
how little we need, how very much we actually have,
and the true value of human connection.”

Perhaps the earth has truly gone into “reset” mode due to the lockdown caused by the Coronavirus. Perhaps it is time for us to push the “pause” button and rethink how we have been living our professional and personal lives. Perhaps the “reset” mode and “pause” button are now compelling us to rethink the meaning and purpose of our relationships, both at home and at work.

While this lockdown is certainly a challenge, and most of the world has put strong restrictions on movement, there has been another not-so-tangible side to this lockdown. The slowdown on our physical movement is compelling us to look within ourselves. The long hours indoors and restrictions on going out has necessitated us going in. Going in and questioning ourselves; going in and becoming more aware of how we have been thinking; going in and asking ourselves, “Did this way of being get me where I wanted to be?”

The whole world is talking about the fact that at the end of this lockdown we shall wake up to a new world. What will this world look like? What will it ask of us? And what will we need to do to fit into this new order? Our home confinement is making us question the things we were running after, the quality of our relationships, and what we truly want from our lives. The time has come for us to slow down and realign our lives so that we can flow smoothly in the future. We need to reconnect with our loved ones, friends, and professional associates as individuals with different human nuances—not just targets to be achieved or duties to be performed. We need to spend time getting to know each person and acknowledging the anxiety and vulnerability each one faces, including ourselves. We have to connect with ourselves so that we can connect with others.

How was our life as consultants before the virus compelled us to pause? What were we to pause for? What were we supposed to see? So many questions, so much confusion, and so much uncertainty. These questions and so many more get answered on their own when one understands and lives the philosophy of Flawless Consulting. It is the mantra for success in human relationships—a way of life applicable in both personal and professional life.

As consultants, we were constantly rushing to meet deadlines, grabbing the next order, pushing our way ahead, striving hard to impress the client with heavy content and verbose presentations, pushing our beliefs, trying to control people and decisions, and believing that others should do as we recommend because we know the best. Relationships were professional and impersonal and lasted only as long as they served the business purpose. Then suddenly, the “pause” button was pushed. Without realizing it, we are finding ourselves in a mode of self-questioning and self-enquiry. And we are asking ourselves: Were those deadlines realistic? Am I really the right person for that job? Do I really have all the answers? Does the client believe I have understood him/her? Can I push my solutions on to the client? Does the client really trust me?

With the last question, we take our awareness a notch further—a step deeper within ourselves: What do I need to do to make the client know he can trust me, feel I understand the real issue, and believe I will not let him down?

When we become aware of our own thoughts and feelings, and know with what kind of mindset we are entering a discussion—whether we want to be in control, just executing, or be a partner in a project—we become more secure within and know what we need to ask from the client to enable us to give our best to the task at hand. Awareness also makes us recognize resistance in a client so we don’t take it personally, and makes us acknowledge our own resistance, too.

The new world is going to be a slower paced world—a world with greater self-awareness, where relationships will have more depth and life will be more meaningful. Are we ready to align ourselves with this new world? It is quite amazing that Flawless Consulting has been sharing the value of this mindset for over four decades and its philosophy is even more relevant now than ever before.

We need to recognize that patterns are changing and we need to change, too. Not changing with the flow will only create resistance and make it painful for us. This sudden change of pace is making us rethink how we need to reset ourselves and our ways of thinking and operating. We need to build deeper connections with our associates, our families, and most importantly, ourselves.

“I think that when the dust settles, we will realize

how little we need, how very much we actually have,

and the true value of human connection.”

Simi Suri has been a consultant with Designed Learning since 2017. She has been an HR and business professional for over two decades, and has experience in both, corporate and entrepreneurial, worlds. She has been a corporate trainer, executive coach, instructional design consultant, communication specialist and behavioural scientist.