Support me.
Trust me.
Respect me.
How many times have we said these words? Heard them from others? They sound really good. After all, who doesn’t want support, trust, and respect? I’m curious though, how often do we feel we get it or give it to others?
It would be easy to blame the lack of support, trust or respect on the person who isn’t giving it. I might suggest, however, that the person may not be the problem. It might instead be in how we are asking for it.
In Flawless Consulting, we talk about the importance of asking for what we want in partnering with others. Often, what we want is represented with these types of statements, but there is an inherent problem with them. They are result of what we hope to feel when working with others, they are not the path to get there. In short, these are what we call “goodness words.” They sound really good but are not particularly useful.
Why?
What is takes to earn my support, my trust and my respect may be different from the person I’m sitting across from. And sadly, whether at work or in our personal life, we expect others to just know.
In a recent conversation with one of my children, they said, “I just want your support.” To which I responded, “I thought I was giving it.” Imagine my surprise when I discovered I wasn’t. The conversation then turned to a testimony of all the ways I thought I was offering support to which they responded, “Well yes, but you didn’t do this.” And they were right. I didn’t do the thing they mentioned. I did a lot of other things I thought were important but, in the end, those things were important to me, not to my child.
Herein lies the problem with these “goodness words.” Turns out, they are not all that good. The feeling we get when we feel supported, trusted, and respected is good, but saying them alone is not enough. We need to tell people what we want to see or hear that will help us feel that way and in turn ask them what we want to see and hear as well.
So, the next time someone says to you, “I want your support.” Say, “I would love to offer my support. Tell me what that looks like for you” and don’t be surprised when they look at you with confusion. Chances are, no one has ever asked for clarity but that is what we are seeking. Yes, I want to support you. Tell me what I can do, that will help you feel that way. Challenge them, and yourself, to be clear and specific. Ultimately, “feeling supported” is the result of a series of little and big actions. The challenge is to know what specific actions matter and matter to the person seeking the support, trust, or respect.
This coming week, ask one person what support, trust or respect actually looks like to them and be ready to answer the same question yourself. If we want stronger partnerships, we have to stop asking for vague ideals and start defining the behaviors that build them.
