“If you can’t say no, your yes has no meaning.” – Peter Block, Flawless Consulting: A Guide to Getting Your Expertise Used
In a world that prioritizes a strong work ethic, success, and drive, it can feel challenging to say no. The dominant cultural narrative has been instilled in us from an early age. It celebrates competition and individualism, where upward mobility and economic success are the primary means of living a happy life.
It rarely is. Various areas of our lives require attention and care to feel truly content. These areas include relationships, physical health, finances, spirituality, leisure, work or school, and knowledge. If we are too hyper-fixated on one area of our well-being, there will be far less energy to attend to others. Being intentional in understanding which aspect of our life needs some extra care helps us discover what we need. When we are aware of our needs and have taken care of them, it’s easier to say yes. Then, we can take advantage of new opportunities with a genuine spirit.
It’s frightening to say no. We may ‘people please’ and say yes even when we don’t want to. This often results in us becoming a pair of hands and finding ourselves stretched thin and stressed. We put personal needs on the back burner as we put others first. We do so because we fear we can’t say no and want to be well-liked and perceived as considerate. The thing is, our energy isn’t fully in it if we fail to set healthy boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries is the key to a greater sense of confidence and internal freedom. If you can become more self-aware, it will be easier to communicate your thoughts, wants, and needs to others. If you feel burnt out from your work life and want to take time away from the office, set that boundary by discussing it with your supervisor. You may also need to say no to a friend’s invitation to an upcoming party because you know you need to prioritize self-care. Setting reasonable and healthy boundaries allows for less stress in the core areas of our lives.
There are many ways one can say no assertively while remaining polite. According to Psychology Today, a helpful strategy for saying no is called the “sandwich method.” Let’s say you were invited to drinks after work with some co-workers, but you know you would feel better if you went home and caught up on sleep. You can kindly decline the invite by starting out and ending on a positive note. Thank them for including you, follow it with a no, and reschedule for next week. In this scenario, you assertively said no and still left feeling content about the relationships involved.
When partnering with others at work, consider contracting about what and how you work with each other. By reaching an agreement first, you and your coworker limit the risk of intentionally or unintentionally violating each other’s boundaries for a collaborative work relationship. “The business of the contracting phase,” says Peter Block in Flawless Consulting, “is to negotiate wants, cope with mixed motivation, surface concerns about exposure and loss of control, clarify the contract for all parties, and give affirmation.”
It is possible to say no to provide a more meaningful yes in the future. Ultimately, we know ourselves better than anyone. By understanding when it’s necessary to say no, we are in direct recognition that “every one of our acts is a choice and that choice is free,” explains Block in Confronting Our Freedom: Leading a Culture of Chosen Accountability and Belonging, “then whenever we act consciously and deliberately, we also experience the core of our action the sense of free will. Mature and authentic individuals are fully conscious of the fact that they must choose.”
Article by Rebecca Crowell
Rebecca Crowell is a Designed Learning intern and graduate of Social Sciences at the University of Central Florida. She is currently pursuing her graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Stetson University in Deland, FL.
